Loneliness has been my most consistent companion during the past year or more. I have lost track of time since so much has been happening simultaneously.
Along my journey through life, I have hit a point where I felt a deep sense of loneliness creeping into my system. I have outgrown so many places and people and I had to fight to find myself again. Covid-19 obviously did not help. I also developed social anxiety along the way, which destabilised my self-concept.
Recently, my social butterfly self came out of her cocoon again, almost like having a second chance at living. I could finally be myself again. At least to a certain extent.
Life has been particularly challenging. For a few months now, I have been travelling for 5hrs to work for 6hrs daily along with studying for a postgrad. This trip has been particularly lonely, especially since it’s been a very challenging one. I am still not used to the road I take to travel to work, especially since it’s winter and I am leaving home in the dark in the morning to get back home in the dark at night.
I don’t think people truly understand how I’m truly feeling when I say “I need company”. Every time I voice out my need for company, I get answers such as: “you need to learn to love yourself”, “you need to learn to love your own company”, or “you are better off alone”. There is no doubt that I love myself and that I love spending time alone doing my own things. However, I have been excessively alone, doing most things on my own, being surrounded by people who did not see me for who I am or actually hear me. Let alone who did not love/like me for who I am.
Small talks saved me and made my days more bearable and less lonely. As someone who used to hate small talks, I realised how important they are, especially with people with whom we are not particularly close. Having small conversations with the shopkeepers, the stationmaster (chef de gare), the cleaners, the people sharing the same van as I travelled with, the driver, the people who would wait for the same bus or who I always meet on the bus stop, all of them saved me without realising. They made me feel that I was part of a community again and some of them made me feel cared for. Truly, this made me realise how much we can actually lift each other and how much of a social being I am.
Did you ever experience something similar? What saved you from the feeling of loneliness?