We’ve all heard of the term “falling in love”, but I’ve growth to love and appropriate the term “rising in love” more. It makes more sense to me and it makes me feel more expansive.
I had a destination addiction. I thought that when I’ll reach my goals, I’ll finally be happy. Need I say that it didn’t go as planned? Some goals were no longer relevant, some timings didn’t fall through, some goals were achieved but happiness didn’t follow, things I thought would be pleasurable were not, my level of exposure was way too narrow during the time I met those goals, to name a few.
Hitting rock bottom has been my biggest learning curve. I realised that I wasn’t really living in the present moment because I was so fixated about the future and something I didn’t have in the present moment. Without realising, I was focusing on everything I didn’t have as opposed to focusing on everything I already have. It took me a while to realised that the one thing I truly had was the present moment. What am I doing in the here and now to make my life pleasurable and inspire of everything I ever wanted to achieve.
This led me to learn to embrace the process and to learn to enjoy smaller achievements, and truly embrace every step of the way. I am still leaning to rise in love with theprocess. I think learning never truly ends. So I am allowing myself the chance to embrace the process through and through, and to love it every step of the way.
I have a secret. Or at least, it feels like it is. But it’s actually not. Well, that secret is that I go for therapy. SHOCKER! There, I said it.
Well, I never thought it was something to be kept a secret. I never kept it a secret. I just don’t necessarily scream about it on top of my roof. But somehow, with every conversation I have about people not having a safe space to fully express themselves and not having a space for healing, I understood that I needed to normalise going for therapy.
Going for therapy is very normal and natural to me. However, I recognise that it’s not the case for most people. I understand that I am often tagged as being “different”. I’ve had my own history with depression and anxiety from a young age, I studied psychology and energy healing, I am an empath/Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), and I’ve learned throughout the years to embrace and be the observer of all the emotions that I experience in my body. So, I guess I have a more open approach to talking about mental health and embracing therapy.
I actually almost gave up on the idea of finding the right therapist for me. Many people don’t know how important it is to find a therapist which whom you have a good working relationship with. I’m a very exposed person to the different kinds of counselling modalities out there even though I am no expert, so I can be quite a stubborn patient/client sometimes. It took me years to find the right match for me and to find someone who can actually lead me. I have a very strong personality, so sometimes some people don’t know how to manage me or deal with my imposing presence. I also find it hard to trust people, especially since I, unfortunately, witnessed some seriously effed-up therapists who couldn’t even respect the basic ethical guidelines to remain in confidentiality, for example. I even had a past therapist sending me a friend request on social media – which doesn’t against any ethical practice.
Going for therapy doesn’t make you weak. I’m not saying this because I, myself, go for therapy. It actually takes a lot of courage and energy to go through our healing journey. It takes actual and conscious effort to constantly redirect our energy that is usually being consumed by our dis-ease (whatever it may be) into our healing and rewiring of our neurons in order to create new and healthier patterns.
Going for therapy is WORTH IT! Don’t let anyone else fool you.
Additional resources on how to pick the right therapist for you:
I have met therapists/healers of all kinds on and off my whole life. My life challenges even brought me to having a degree in psychology. I’ve always been intrigued by human behaviour and have experienced a lot of challenges of my own. Up until the beginning of this year, no one has been able to guide me into healing my inner child. To the point that I genuinely thought that I didn’t have any issue during my childhood. But truth is, we all do. Big or small, we all have some kind of trauma in all periods of our lives. These events can both break us and make us.
During my undergraduate in my psychology programme, I was the only one in the entire class who had the reputation of not being able to work with children and I was always honest about it. I love children, but they easily drain out my energy and I struggle to relate to them more. I remember how there was one of my lecturers who kept making fun of me and kept pinpointing me out during any lecture having to do with children (child or developmental psychology). That wasn’t very nice of her, but that says a lot about her own wounds. It’s funny though because I love studying the development of human beings from birth and beyond. Parenting is also one of my favourite areas of study and I often read parenting articles even though I’m far from being ready to be a mother any time soon.
Fast-forward to the beginning of this year, I was actually surprised that my new therapist managed to “crack the code” and opened the door to exploring my inner child. I went deep down into my sub-conscious and found a younger version of myself locked in a dark and deep cave, at the end of a narrow tunnel leading to a dark chamber. It was so hard for me to find her. But when we did meet, we spoke and I held her in my arms. I understood that I have managed to completely suppress/bury my inner-child. It even felt that I tried to kill her. I broke into tears. It was never what I intended to do. But I was happy that we finally met again.
When I explored my inner child again, I was soooo happy and we kept bouncing on clouds ( I know it’s not physically possible – but let me have it. It’s all in my imagination and my sub-conscious was having a field day LOL), giggling and having so much fun. My therapist had a hard time trying to make me move on from that place (laugh). It felt so good, I was trying to make the most of my time in that state.
There was something powerful about healing my inner child and having integrated it as a part of my current self. I have been feeling much more playful and I approached the world with a deeper sense of a beginner’s mind and curiosity. I want to play, learn more things, go on more adventures, find joy in more things, taste new things, feel new things, express new things, and truly be in the present moment. I now embrace my child-like wonder to a whole new level and I embrace my inner-child when she needs me the most. She in turn heals me too. Time is truly a man-made concept. All versions of ourselves have the capacity to co-exist simultaneously on some levels of our conscious, sub-conscious or physical reality.
If you haven’t been able to meet your inner child yet, I would invite you to entertain this possibility. It’s been a life-changing experience for me.
I knew I would find love this year. It was everything I could ask for.
We love, we fight, we grow, we achieve, we grieve, we share,… We do it all together. I found my greatest lover.
My greatest lover is me.
I am everything I wished for.
Self-love, I’ve come to learn, is not as easy as anyone would have ever imagined.
It was harder for me to love myself. Loving others has always been easier for me. It took me some serious heartbreaks to finally take a look inwards and see myself as my own greatest lover.
I offered myself patience when things were not going according to plan (hell! I ditched the plan at some point), I gave myself a hug when I needed comfort, I treated myself with my favourite dishes and some good self-care (facial, body scrub, foot bath, oiling my hair, journaling, listening to my favourite songs and dancing my heart out, I do whatever brings me pleasure,…), and I looked at my reflection in the mirror and reminded myself that I’ve made it through this far and I’m so capable of handling more ahead. I motivate myself, I remind myself how amazing I am through daily affirmations, I listen to my body’s cues more, I establish my boundaries and live by them, and I tap into my intuition and truly listen.
I’ve always been a good listener, but wasn’t always my own greatest listener. But I am learning to do so now and I am so happy that I am getting better at this.
I’m investing more time in myself and less in trying to bring other people together.
In short, I’ve made myself a priority and showered myself with all the love I know I am capable of. I am so grateful towards myself to have made this decision and to have lived by it.
It’s been a rocky but beautiful love story ❤
Tell me about your love story ❤I can’t wait to hear it.
Let those words sink in, and read it again slowly this time….
“I did the best I could with what I had.“
As soon as I read it, my shoulders dropped and I let out a deep breath I didn’t realise I was holding.
10 words in 1 sentence. That’s all it took for me to have a flash back of everything I blamed myself for not being good enough, for feeling inadequate for certain situations, or for not performing/reacting well under certain circumstances.
Truth is, you will always have more wisdom after you went through something. Because now, you have exposure and experience. You now know things you didn’t know before. You may be more equipped now.
Today, be kind to yourself. You did the best you could with what you had.
I hope you remind yourself that you did the best you could with what you had everyday.
My hiking shoes are disintegrating. Not from hiking too much, but from not hiking enough. Life happened and I no longer did what I love to the most. Now that I do, my body isn’t following. I’m currently trying to rebuild the momentum. What a beautiful epiphany. That I can start changing the things that I don’t want anymore TODAY. The planet is beautiful, we aren’t enjoying it enough. Now that we have movement restrictions, I truly understand its value to a whole new level. The next time I see my hiking shoes disintegrating, I hope it’s because we have walked on countless adventures, not from not hiking enough.
I didn’t realise it until someone from my past reconnected and described me with the colour red for passion and fiery character.
I look at her blankly. I didn’t recognise who she was talking about. She was talking about me. Someone with fire burning in her heart and fire flowing through her veins.
I didn’t recognise who she was talking about. But she was talking about me.
After my lengthy period of severe burn out, feeling lost in a world that didn’t make sense to me, feeling severely unappreciated and lonely, I found myself in a period of indifference and apathy.
I went through life, trying to heal myself and get back up on my feet. It was taking more time than expected, so I had to be extra kind to myself, especially since everything made me feel either numb or overwhelmed.
I had another conversation with another friend who I came into my life. We’ve known each other for just a few months (as compared to the friend who knew the past me better). She asked me to describe myself using elements. The 5 elements are earth, water, fire, air, and space. I actually thought hard about it and described myself using all elements except (can you guess?) fire.
It was too much of a coincidence that those conversations came up and I became aware that clearly something was missing. I needed to find my fire again.
It’s only in the past few months that I started to feel the fire burning again. I am not burned out anymore.
Feeling the fire burning inside my heart and flowing through my veins again became obvious by my new found ability to express anger productively, set better boundaries with the people around me (especially those closest to me), speak my truth without feeling guilty or shying away, take up space (I stopped making myself small just to make other comfortable), advocate again for what I believe in, feel excited for my small achievements and stay motivated, the desire to experience more from life, move my body to express (dance, take up space, walk with my head held high), and not afraid to speak loudly again when required.
Just writing about it made me feel that warmth oozing out of me again.
So my question to you today is: How is your fire today or lately? Check in with your fire. It is there for a reason, if not multiple reasons.
“Who am I?” is probably one of the most difficult question to answer.
The first time I truly had to ponder about it was during my undergrad in psychology and counseling. I’m sure we can all list a lot of things. But what if I told you that you are not your job, you are not your role in society, home or relationship, you are not your gender, you are not your physical body, you are not your thoughts, you are not your emotions,…
Who are you after all these layers are removed?
I swear, I could see everyone’s mind bugging during that workshop where we had to answer who we are. I simply said I am Urvashi back then. But truth is, even my name doesn’t truly represent me. This was the start of a long journey of introspection about the truly meaning of one’s identity.
A few years down the line, I started to dive deeper into my spiritual journey and this question popped again. I smiled, nothing how it made me feel the first time I had to ponder on it. My answer today is so different. It wasn’t imposed on me but as soon as I heard it and its meaning, it just made sense. It was even mentioned in multiple holy books across religions.
My answer now is: “I am that I AM. I am a soul having a human experience.“
Every time I speak or think these words, I feel a deep sense of de-armouring and deconditioning running around my whole system and deep within me. My true identity cannot be fit in any boxes. I am that I AM.
Let’s talk about sex, baby… let’s talk about, not you and me, but about CONSENT.
The aim of this piece is to make it as gender neutral as possible. I am very much aware that sexual assaults do not happen only to women. We often forget that this can happen to any human being, all genders included – male, female and non-binary folks. So, dear women, men and non-binary folks, I want to say that I see you.
I have had so many conversations about consent throughout the years. There are things that I got wrong along the way, I learned and I believe that I am still learning as new situations pop up or new information is received. The key is to listen actively, observe effectively and become attuned to your gut feelings.
Sex is nothing but the most natural thing in the world. I hate to break it to you, but there’s a high change that this is how you were conceived. You wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for sex.
I still fail to understand why sex has become so taboo? How can our most natural instincts and body parts become so taboo?
That being said, let’s go back to business. Let’s talk CONSENT.
What is consent?
By definition,
Consent occurs when one person voluntarily agrees to the proposal or desires of another. It is a term of common speech, with specific definitions as used in such fields as the law, medicine, research, and sexual relationships.
Consent is something we practice everyday consciously or unconsciously. Whether it’s about giving your approval to post your picture on Facebook or give your permission for your doctor to perform a medical procedure on you. It is no different in an intimate relationship.
Communication is key, and we suck at it!
When was the last time you truly had a healthy communication with someone close to you? Or in your business for that matter? I’m not sure how we managed to do it, but we managed to think that our professional self is COMPLETELY different from our personal self. Of course, there may be some exceptions in some extreme cases, but truth is, I’ve never met a person who had 2 completely distinct personalities at home and at work. There are always overlaps. So, learning and practicing effective communication will not only help you in your career, it will also help you in your intimate relationships. We should train ourselves to become effective communicators.
How does it relate to consent, you ask?
Most of the time, it can be observed that the lack of communication is one of the root cause of overstepping boundaries and being oblivious about the other person’s needs or your own. Being an effective communicator allows you to better communicate your needs, actively listening to the needs of the other and set healthy boundaries.
Resources for understanding healthy communication better:
If someone makes you think that you need to try harder, walk away. Sounds rude? Or like a waste of a great opportunity? Well, it only depends on one’s perceptions really. Maybe it’s about time that we teach each other, irrespective of gender, how we wish to be treated. I personally, don’t play hard to get and I don’t want anyone to play hard to get with me. Life is already too complicated. I will tell you if I have feelings for you or desire you, and will tell you when I don’t.
The problem with playing hard to get is that we are creating more confusions and probably an effed up culture. Someone who enjoys playing hard to get ends up teaching people that all people are playing hard to get so that people try harder to get them. There have been many assault cases which resulted by the claim of the rapist that “I know people play hard to get to feel more desired”. I personally can testify that it’s not true. When people don’t respect my boundaries, it’s a serious act of disrespect and a serious concern to me that a person doesn’t know how to take a “no” for an answer.
For more in depth knowledge, I invite you to watch this following TEDx Talk:
Why we are confused about consent and what can we do about it?
Marital Rape
That’s a big one! Does marital rape exist? Don’t people marry to “legally” be free to have sex? Well, let me debug this for you.
Healthy boundaries should still exist in a marriage, a successful marriage is one in which there is good and effective communication, and one where there is respect and love. Does that ring a bell with the previously discussed matters? Yes?
Well, yes, CONSENT is still valid in marriages. Consent can be given, no given, negotiated, renegotiated and withdrawn even when people are legally or religiously married. Yes still means yes, no still means no, and maybe still means no.
I am aware that some countries’ laws don’t recognise marital rape. Doesn’t mean that marital rapes don’t exists or shouldn’t be regarded as having cause harm on another person. As much as marriage binds 2 people’s fate together, this does not revoke the body autonomy of either person.
What I mean by body autonomy?
Body autonomy is the right for a person to govern what happens to their body without external influence or coercion.
The (real) Kink Community are consent pros
I see you. Ditch the picture of Christian Grey for a moment. There are too many grey areas about him *smirk*
By definition, a kink community is a group of people who organize to have meet ups, discussions, parties, social events, or online communication centered around BDSM and/or other kink activities. (urban dictionary)
The real kink communities around the world are content pros. They understood the need for negotiations and consent. They understood that consent can be given, not given, or withdrawn at any given time before or during the act. Even though they push their limits, they also managed to find a way to make it in a safe and controlled space.
To sum it all up, the Tea Consent video is the most brilliant analogy used to describe consent:
Would you like some tea?
How about consent for kids?
Our kids too can give consent or not. Especially when it comes to their own body. Teach them.
Let’s talk about nudes briefly:
If someone sent you nudes without being coerced to do so, that person consented to send it to you. That person wanted ONLY you to see it. Sharing it with others or showing it to others is breaking that person’s trust and bypassing the sender’s consented limits unless stated otherwise by the sender.
If you understand the concept of CONSENT when the person is physically with you, you should also understand that consent concerns technological use of consensual private moments as well.
This educator gives us a very interesting point of view about consent from his own experience.
Porn Isn’t Sex Ed – Learn more on this video
Have any question or need any clarification? Feel free to drop them in the comment section.
